


The Pizza Purradox

by VarenNeoRaven



Series: The Alpha and the Omeowga [3]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Animal Friend, Dante POV, Gen, Winston - Freeform, pizza thief, vergil with animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VarenNeoRaven/pseuds/VarenNeoRaven
Summary: Dante has officially lost his mind.And his Pizza.
Series: The Alpha and the Omeowga [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002588
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	The Pizza Purradox

It’s official. Dante has, finally, lost his mind.

And his pizza.

He could have sworn that his beloved had been right here, on his bed not 2 hours ago when he had gone for a power nap. Okay, so he had planned on 30 minutes, but it takes a lot longer for pizza to grow legs and vacate on its own, and it’s not like people regularly clean in this place. 

Certainly not this room. Honestly, maybe he should  _ do _ something about this…

Pizza first, then contemplate cleaning...maybe. 

Okay so maybe he was tired and actually managed to put it in the fridge when grabbing that last beer? Only one way to find out. 

It's. It's not in the fridge. There's no pizza box to be found in the kitchen, the others in the bedroom had old stains and…

_I've fucking lost it._ _Did I sleep-eat the damn thing? Where's the box?!_

A creaking from the stairs behind him. He turns to find Shadow padding down the stairs. She glances at him from the last step as she steps onto the floor, and gives him her usual greeting huff. She yawns and heads towards the kitchen, licking her lips. She bee-lines for the rather large water dish, taking a generous drink. Defeated, Dante returns to rummaging through the fridge, trying to find at least something to snack on. 

_ Wait… the freezer… come on brussel sprout bag don't fail me now… JACKPOT! _

One pint of untouched strawberry ice cream procured, Dante grabs a spoon, just in time for Shadow to lift her head.

And shake. 

"...Seriously? I just showered. Today. These are clean pants. And there's… what is that?" Dante puts down his prize to inspect his pants to find a half chewed slice of pepperoni attached to his favorite pj's. "Seriously?! You raided my room to eat pizza? Uncool, kitty. That was cold, even for you."

Shadow had the dignity to look a little guilty. Probably to get out of trouble. It wasn't going to work. He was going to be firm. He… was cracking.

"You are a cruel pizza stealing mistress; you're lucky you're cute."

One less scoop of ice cream in Dante's pint and one purring demon panther later, and Dante's heading back upstairs to eat his treat on the bed, where he runs into one groggy brother in the hall. 

"Hey Verge, can you keep the animal menagerie out of my room? And my pizza? Like, are you not feeding them enough or something?" Vergil, not expecting quite a long sentence shot at him on his way to empty his bladder, blinked owlishly. "Your cat came in and ate my pizza." Another blink before what Dante can only call a light bulb moment, followed by horror.  _ Good. _

Shadow tries to slip by but fails, bumping into Dante’s leg on her ascent. “And here’s the guilty party now. Accidentally dropped the evidence on me. I have no idea what she did with the box… I’m not sure what that’s going to mean for her digestion later.”

Vergil seemed to finally fully wake up at that, and straightened himself out, squaring off to Dante. “I will take your complaints under consideration and have a word. However, might I suggest sticking to less unsophisticated and foolish habits as keeping your pershibales in your room for later consumption instead, such as the refrigerator? Or are you trying to have a repeat of last week’s exhilarating game of ‘What unholy decaying monstrosity produced this odor?’”

_ Ouch, but fair. Can’t tell him that.  _ “Just, keep the animals outta my room, that’s all I’m asking. I’m going back to bed.” Dante returns to his room and props himself lazily against his headboard with his treat, sliding globs of creamy cold strawberry into his mouth to melt for a moment before swallowing. After a few moments he hears Vergil return to his room, and then… 

_ “You need to stay out of that room. The trouble it causes me is not worth the reward. There is plenty of food here for you. Stay out.” _

Muffled, through the walls, Vergil telling the animals to stay out.  _ Holy Crap _ . _ He actually did something I asked him to without me having to fight with him. Much. _

Dante decided to call it a win in his book.

  
  


A couple weeks and several nasty jobs later, it was party night. Dante had cleaned himself up and hit the bars with the crew. Nico, Trish and Lady had taken to ordering various shots with sexual names while gleefully plotting amongst themselves for the next big gathering. Nero had even eased up a little, getting more loose with his tongue and his affections on the lovely Kyrie, who had untangled herself from foster duties to join in. Hell, even Vergil had managed to unstick the tree from up his ass when it came to parties, and had graced them all with his royal presence. The real shocker of the night had been when Nero and Vergil had almost a completely normal conversation over mundane day to day. If you didn’t count the awkward pauses. Or lack of eye contact. But hey, step in the right direction from before, where by 3 sentences there was yelling. Or blood. So overall, a success. Vergil had left an hour before anyone else, but even that was progress too.

After making it home and helping himself to another whole bottle as a nightcap while watching some late night toons, Dante decided leftover pizza sounded pretty good. There should be a slice or two left.

Little bit of room spin on the stand up, head sloshing around with slowed thoughts.  _ Hmm, little more celebrating than I was going for. _ A trip to the fridge that wasn’t as straight as he hoped for, and clumsy as he tripped on the boots he’d somehow discarded. He blearily walks towards the illuminated kitchen.

_ Wait. _

There, in the kitchen, the fridge door is wide open. He can hear rummaging sounds, but there’s no one there, at least no feet on the floor. He starts to approach to figure it out when from around the corner of the door, is a raccoon. With his fucking pizza in its mouth. The damn thing stops and looks at him for just a moment, frozen.

And then just nonchalantly kicks the fridge door closed, and walks out to the main room.

_ What… the fuck…?  _

It takes Dante a minute to shake off the shock and to go follow the damn thing into the main area, reeling slightly but sobering slowly. He can hear the thing rattling at the main door. He intent to catch his new pizza fiend, there’s no way it can--

There’s no raccoon. Only Vergil, letting himself in the door. He’s feeling drunk again.  _ How? _

“Hey Verge... did you just… did you see the raccoon?”

“What are you on about?”

“The raccoon. With the pizza… it just… kung-fu kicked the fridge closed and came… through… here?”

“Are you sure the amount of alcohol you have consumed has not finally managed to damage what little brain you have left? The smell of the foul liquid sweating off of you is appalling. Really. How much of our earning is left after this little binge of yours?” Vergil rolled his eyes, before giving a long sigh, dropping his shoulders. “If I find we are on that ‘instant noodle’ diet again, I may have to strongly reconsider the no violence rule.”

Dante wasn't sure if it was his brother's quip, or the alcohol, but he feels like he has whiplash, from how quick the subject had changed. "Look" Dante scrubbed his face, trying.to banish the last of the grogginess from those last few swallows,"I just want to know about the raccoon… Wait. Didn't you leave earlier than me? Where have you been?"

At the question, Griffon burst forth in a cloud of shadowy ink, spreading his wings just as he rushed by Dante's head to land on the back of his desk chair. The rush of air buffeted Dante's face with a welcome gust of cool air, before the queasy feeling of turning around so suddenly caught up to him. Griffon cackled quietly, clicking his beak before the clamor of his voice filled the office. 

"Heya Wild night, M.J? You’re looking a little green, there! Me and Shakespear here went for a little walk. Kitty and I needed some time to stretch out, unwind, relax… ya know like everyone else got to tonight?” Griffon stretched out his wings, shaking out all of his feathers, resettling them. “So what’s this about you hallucinating raccoons, anyway? Bad Pizza? ” Another cackle from the feathered familiar, head tilting to regard Dante with 3 pupils. Vergil let out a huff from behind him, clearly amused by Griffon’s continued bullying of his poor, defenseless, brother who definitely saw a raccoon. Maybe. He’s beginning to not be so sure himself. 

“You know what? I was just trying to check up on my dear brother, make sure he hadn’t gotten lost or in trouble in his new environment. But I don’t have to stand here and take this, I’m going to bed.” And with that, Dante climbed his way up the stairs, breathy chuckling filling the office behind him, and threw himself bodily down on his bed, letting slumber finally claim him.

  
  


The next morning was no less confusing to wake up to. Downstairs, Nero noisily made breakfast with Kyrie, a project spearheaded by Kyrie to make ‘family meals’ a regular occurrence, and force the three of them to talk. Honestly he was thankful, he was. It had forced them to work shit out to this almost space of being like family, and he could feel it in his bones, slowly  _ slowly _ beginning to close some of those old wounds. But damn, did it make the house loud in the mornings. The fact Nero and Kyrie insisted on grinding coffee instead of the pre-ground stuff did not help with the wakeup process.

Getting downstairs half awake to Nero trying desperately not to cuss on the phone helped less with the confusion.

“What do you mean, I need to come take care of it? Just shoo it away. Why don’t you jus-- Nico-- NICO! Look, it can’t be that difficult, it’s an animal, what does it weight like, 20 pounds ma-- I know that not the-- WHAT? NO DON’T SHOOT THE THING! Look. Calm down, I’m on my way out. I promise not to get rabies. NO, you may NOT experiment on me if I GET rabies. Just… Hakuna your tatas I’m coming to rescue you, ya big baby.” 

“Hey Nero. What the fuck was that all about?” Nero was now hastily looking around for his gear, looking like he was off for a hunt. Vergil, who was sitting on the couch reading when Dante came down, looked up from his book at the commotion, curious eyes trailing after his son as he went to find his stuff, scattered about the office. 

“Oh, apparently there’s a raccoon outside at the door, and Nico’s terrified the damn thing is gunna bite her and give her rabies. She’s got no problem being shoulder deep in demon guts for a part, but apparently a raccoon is too much for her.” 

Dante felt his suspicion begin to rise “A raccoon, you say?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go try and spook it off, I’d rather not have to kill the poor thing. Probably just mistook the office for another dumpster.” Nero sat himself down on the steps, tugging on his boots roughly. “Man, it’s gonna suck if I gotta kill some wildlife before breakfast.”

“Stop. I will handle it.”

Dante and Nero stopped and slowly turned to stare at Vergil, who had stood up to stride across the room and let himself out the front door. After a shared glance, both Nero and Dante go to stick their head out the door.

Just in time to watch Vergil pick up the raccoon, and place it on his shoulder, much like Griffon. He then turned and strode right back into the office, past Dante and Nero in dumbfounded shock. 

“What the F--”

“OH HELL NO, VERGE. Don’t drag that thing in here! I thought I already banned this pest from the house!”

“Winston.”

Dante paused.  _ Oh no. No no no. _ “Please tell me you didn’t name it.”

“He visited often enough. I assure you he will cause no more problems. I think you will find Nico can now enter the building. I am taking him to my room. Let me know when breakfast is ready.”

No. Now Dante was sure.

Vergil’s lost his mind.


End file.
